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Monday, May 16, 2016

Metamorphasis

Scrawny, awkward, buck toothed, pale, shy.
That was me.

I remember people commenting on how "skinny" I was from the time I was a little, little girl.  I remember having the desire to disappear, to be invisible.  I started slouching and hunching over around 5.  I'd give up on things quickly, or ask for help right away because I didn't think I was capable.  Normal "fun" things for other kids were not fun to me.   

Jump down from a rock?  Nope.  I'll sit and slide myself down, thank you very much.  Jump off the swings?  First off, I'll swing only at a safe, comfortable height, then slowly come to a stop and gently step off.  I always chose the safest route. 

People also scared me.  My brother used to bring home "friends" for me to play with because I was so shy.  I wouldn't play on a playground if other kids were there, I'd just sit and watch until the coast was clear.  However, I did make friends. I was likeable, just unconfident. 

That was the case through out school.  Elementary, Junior High, and High School.  I was a "nice"girl.  I blended in to the background well.  The slouching got worse when I got braces and headgear in my already terrible teen/tween years. (I still have nightmares about the headgear, no joke)  I looked out for the little guy, and longed to be anyone but me.  I was comfortable with a few, who could get my giggly, goofy side out; but froze in front of the rest of the population.  I was quiet and polite, a perfect little girl.  I never caused trouble.  I was content to just sit and be quiet. 

My one outlet was music. I didn't realize it until recently, but as a kid I'd go in my room, shut the door, turn up the music and figuratively sing my heart out.  It was like a nice was of shouting, without anyone knowing. 

That was me. 

This is me. 

I will be 35 in a couple of months, and I finally, finally feel comfortable in my own skin.  For the first time in my life I don't feel the need to be valued from outside sources.  I don't feel like that scared little 5 year old girl in a grown up body.  I don't really care what others think of me, and it's entirely freeing. 

Since I have let go of my hang ups I have realized few things about myself; I am smart.  I am capable.  I can do hard things.  I don't need others to like me in order to like myself. 
 
Most Importantly:
****I was the one holding myself back***

Once I let go of my fear I became empowered.  I became a new person.  I metamorphasized.  (I know, that's not a word, but it fits.)   Life is much better when you like yourself, and you believe in yourself.  When you can depend on yourself instead of others for personal happiness.     
 
So if you are not where you would like to be; if you have your own five-year-old-girl complex of some kind, don't worry.  You can beat it.  It took me almost 35 years.  But its do-able and it's worth it.  Just like the seed is capable of becoming the tree, you are capable of becoming what you desire. 
 
Don't be the thing holding you back. 
 
We don't get to choose how we start, but we are in charge of how we end up.